Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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