Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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