You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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