Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
