I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
