hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
