she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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