there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
