then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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