and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
