I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
