i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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