so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
