i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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