i permit you to call me
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
