I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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