I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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