i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
