i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
