Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
