I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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