Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
