I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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