I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
