Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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