i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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