Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
