meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
