I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
