i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
