My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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