the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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