Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
