birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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