ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
