so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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