fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
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I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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