So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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