when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
