Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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