There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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