just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
