I showed him my bush... on skype.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
