guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
