And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
