Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
BRING THE BAGELS
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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