My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
