the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
