Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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