just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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