....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
