Betty ford says i'm here all night
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
