then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
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