sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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