I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
