I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
