i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
