I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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