when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
