i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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