I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
