So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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