i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
