we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
These tits shall not be calmed
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
