we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
