ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
